Still Becoming

Fam, gotta admit…

For the past few weeks I’ve been, in the words of The Color Purple‘s Ms. Sophia, feeling “mighty bad.”

And the balancing scales Libra in me thought I had diagnosed why.

See, no one – unless they’re drama addicts or attention whores – ever posts when things aren’t going well for themselves. So, with fellowship and award season posts making me feel like a loser, I took a break from social media.

And I felt better.

For awhile.

Then, that looming loser spirit started creeping back into my psyche, sending me into a creative tailspin.

Why did a producer that seemed so interested in working with me suddenly go MIA?

Why should I take another shot at another rewrite of my screenplay?

Why did I apply for yet another TV writing program?

Why hasn’t any story arrested my attention long enough to finish an outline for a first draft?

And with me still being unemployed after landing my first TV staff writing gig last year, surviving the Writers’ Strike and an IATSE stoppage possibly around the corner, why the hell am I still doing this?

Yep. It got bad, Fam. And just when I didn’t think I could sink any lower, I discovered a beginning draft of my second novel buried deep in my archived emails. From — get this — 2008.

Two thousand freaking eight?! Why the hell did I abandon my second novel like a drug addicted newborn at the fire station? And worst yet, what the hell had I been doing for the past 16 years?

Before I could answer the second question, I read my novel’s 82 pages. And they were good. Still finding their way, but good.

Damnit! Had I kept going, I would have finished, knocked out the next book – my Granny’s story – and I would have published the entire trilogy!

“Talk about feeling like a loser,” the Scorpio side of me said. The Libra in me, though, started investigating like Woodward and Bernstein. And after digging though archived emails and storage drives, I was able to piece together the answer to my second question.

What the hell had I been doing the past 16 years? Writing my ass off. That’s what.

Not including one produced screenplay, two published books and producing a range of documentaries, audio dramas and web series, I have written nine screenplays, five TV pilots, and three spec scripts since 2008.

Well, damn. Now, I know why I’ve been dragging.

I’m tired. 😂

My career’s page count, though, can’t be denied. I’ve got an abandoned novel to finish, screenplays and TV pilots, too.

And I’m too proud of the woman and artist I’m still becoming to stop writing now.